there are things that happened in life and we just don't know why they happened. whether it is for bad or good , or both of it, most of the incidents that happens to you will change you, will shape you into another person, to have another perceptions and ways of thinking. none of those events were insignificant. countless relationships that begins with the sweetest memories and ended up with reasons that you can not comprehend. even when later, you have new people who will stick around and love you until death, you will never forget the ones who breaks you, the one who ask for your heart and devour it with greed, and then leave.
and for that, i would like to say fuck you.
to the boys who disappear completely.
there are times when i refuse to love again and i feel that my heart is as cold as the deepest ocean, and i blame those boys. i blame them for making me feel the wrath of heel of being heartbroken. i blame those boys who leave because i couldn't stop thinking about all the promises they have made before , and i couldn't accept that people change, for better or for worst. i couldn't accept how bitter i am. love songs annoys me, couples holding hands making me cringe and i purposely make my life a lot more miserable by caving in from other people. i just..... shut it all out.
i couldn't blame myself when people are questioning my bitterness, because of the selfishness, i felt in me. they said time will heal all the broken hearts and wounds. but each day, i woke up, sweating , experiencing night terrors of remembering every happy moments i have once had. the feeling is beyond terrifying. it splits myself into two, the one who wanted to be happy again , the one who misses all the explosions of feelings and desires to be someone else. and there is me , my present self, who just wanted to stay away from the world and protect whatever pieces i have left in me. i refused to let anyone in.
but for that, i would like to say thank you.
to the boys who disappeared completely without a trace.
because during that moment of bitterness, i have learned to make improvements of myself. i have learn that the ultimate of love is when you learn to love yourself. to accept every disfigured limbs, ugly scars and rain of thoughts. i have learn to be more focus towards my goals in life, to appreciate every single kindness that i have received. most importantly, i have learn to relate with people, to see straight into their eyes and feel the sadness that they have repressed. just like me.
the biggest connection between humans is not happiness, but pain. along the journey of moving on from the trauma of being left by the boys who disappear completely, i have learn to help others to mend their wounds , and it helps me. i realized that with every broken souls i have met, my sadness didn't matter. having my revenge doesn't matter to. it wouldn't change anything. i have learned to make use of it to gain a better insight in life. i didn't even feared death because it is not me who have hurt and murdered the love in others, but you, the boy who disappeared completely .
you are the one who is at lost in life. you are the one who consistently breaking other people's dream and ran away from it. you are a coward. indecisive, you don't even know what you want. you are just a boy who love to play around without the intention to commit. you are not yet a man, you haven't grow a pair of balls. i would to see how will you answer before god about your notorious reputations.
you will be sorry, for disappearing completely, for running away from all the conflicts and mess you have caused. you have rejected your own responsibilities to at least end it properly. you choose to disappear without a trace. when the time comes, there will be no one for you to ask forgiveness from. and i promised you, when it is the time for you to depart with death , every flashes of every tears of another human you have caused will make you shudder.
until the dear boys, i wish you the very best in life.